Saturday, January 7, 2012

It just clicked

I have wanted to run for a long time but I always have excuses not to. I know what I need to do and I know how to justify not doing it. I have come up with every reason I can think of to get myself to run and then made those reasons not mean a thing to me. So why is this time different? Two reasons I think. One, I'm not alone and two, I have stopped running for other people.

I have only committed to running again about a week ago. I have ran 3 times and not one of these times have I ran without an experience/knowledgeable runner. It is amazing what some sincere encouragement will do. On top of that to have someone talking you through and giving you tips on form and breathing really has made the first three runs great. I know that not all my runs will be good and some will really just suck. I also know that I will not be able to run with someone every time I go. But, for now, I will cling to my new running club for support, encouragement, information and as an avenue of accountability. Thank you F'N Runners for being such a great group of people.

The idea running for other people just sounds stupid doesn't it? It seems like an odd reason to run. It doesn't make sense especially because I would usually try to run alone. How do you run for other people when you don't run with other people? I tried to run so that I could teach my daughter a healthier life. I tried to run to have something in common with certain people. I tried to run because my church was trying to raise money for children in Kenya. I tried to run to prove I could to everyone, including myself. Those, my friends, are not good motivators. I was so worried about failing that it was all I could think about. And when all you can think about is failing, that is exactly what you do. So you can guess my outcome for the last 13 attempts at running over a number of years.

This time it is different. This time my motivation isn't for someone else. It isn't a means to the end, for example, run b/c I will loose weight. This time, running itself is the motivator and the end goal. I just want to run. Yes I would love to finish a 1/2 marathon or run a 5k in under 30 minutes and loose a significant amount of weight. But most of all, I want to push my limits. I want to go out in the cold and push until I sweat. I want to feel the adrenaline rush of finding out how fast (or slow) I was today. I even found myself enjoying the sound of my feet on the road (although it was very quiet sound since I had pretty good form today) and the sound my breathing.

I never "got" that before. All of the things I hated about running are the reasons I want to go run now. Before last week, when I was stressed I never, ever once thought "I just really want to get away and run". And there were a few times this week I actually got antsy to get out and run. And those times I couldn't, I got kind of upset to be honest.

I wish I knew what clicked and made me realize that the best motivation for me to run is to simply enjoy running. But I'm glad it clicked. I'm glad one of best friends kept encouraging me to try again and again. Most importantly, I'm glad I realize I can't hope that it sticks with me, I have to stick with it.

Thank you Maggie Wolff for telling me to just try and for telling me blog about it. My day started and ended great due to your influence. I finally get it.

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